sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
