I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
