went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
