conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He literally asked permission to hit on me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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