I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
