How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
