I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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