We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
