I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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