I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize