Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
im on a boat
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