hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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