I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize