Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
