Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
