you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize