I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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