theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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