I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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