She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
