I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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