My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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