He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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