It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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