I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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