I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
sarcasm needs its own font
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
