One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
