how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
