Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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