In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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