PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Never joke about your clitoris.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
