I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
