Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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