My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
BRING THE BAGELS
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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