I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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