You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she looked like the before picture.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
