that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
