Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
