Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
