So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
