I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
