I accidentally burped into my bong.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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