it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
