They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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