I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
