I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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