good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
