someone get that fucking seahorse.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
