Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
