how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He better not be in your backpack
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
