it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
