i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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