Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
