I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
