Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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