Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
