Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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