well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize