Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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