Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
